Clamhead

In which I answer San Francisco's questions about my dog.

nobody@vox.com(clamhead) — Sat, 09 May 2009 19:45:08 -0700

I have a dog. She is kind of an unusual breed and quite striking-looking. When we walk around San Francisco - especially in crowded areas - we can't get more than five feet without someone wanting to stop us to exclaim over her appearance, touch her, and ask me questions (which I guess is better than them wanting to touch me and ask her questions). I thought I would answer these questions here.

She's a Keeshond.
Bliss.
Girl.
Keeshond.
K-E-E-S-H-O-N-D.
Eight years old. She'll be nine in September.
I got her when she was four months old.
Yes, she sheds a lot, especially when she "blows her coat" a couple of times a year.
The cottony undercoat thins out (I show the person the undercoat at this point).
I'm supposed to brush her weekly. I don't.
It takes about an hour or so and requires four different instruments (comb, brush, undercoat rake, slicker brush).
She doesn't really need to be bathed more than once a year.
Yes, she has a tail. It's just curly and hides. We call it "retractable."
About 30 pounds. Not much dog under all that fur.
No, she's not a Chow mix.
She does okay in the heat, as long as she's not out too long.
No, I've never shaved her. The coat protects her from both heat and cold.
Holland.
Very friendly.
Too smart for her own good.
Yes, your son/daughter may pet her. She's great with kids.
No, she's not a giant Pomeranian. But they're related.
Yes, she barks. A lot.
Yes, she's very happy. And a very good girl.

Bliss

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Blueberry or lemon?

nobody@vox.com(clamhead) — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 15:01:15 -0700

This is a true story. I did not write it. The names have been eliminated to protect the stupid.

On our way back from dropping [names] off at the airport, we stopped for lunch at Marie Callender's. We both ate a wonderful chicken salad with pecans, oranges, and gorgonzola cheese. Since they were running a 99 cent pie special, of course we were forced to have pie for dessert. [Name] ordered lemon meringue, and I ordered blueberry with cream.

As we were walking to the car, [name] glanced down and noticed a large glop on the front of his shirt. He complained about how he can't seem to eat anything without dropping some on himself. Then, he reached down and scooped the glop off of his shirt and popped it into his mouth, while I watched in amazement.

His eyes began to bug out immediately, and he gagged and coughed. When I asked him what was wrong, all he could manage was a strangled, "Bird poop!"

After a few minutes of hysterical laughing, I asked him why he would scoop ANYTHING off of his shirt and put it into his mouth - no less an anonymous goopy stain.

His reply was, "Well, I wanted to find out if it was blueberry or lemon."

I think that we need to watch him more closely in the future.

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Accordion dreams

nobody@vox.com(clamhead) — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 22:19:51 -0700

Dorkiest picture ever

I have a few "before I die" goals. See the Aurora Borealis. Walk the Great Wall of China. Learn how to play a musical instrument.

The latter goal has been pursued in earnest since February. And, of course, the instrument of choice is the accordion.

The accordion makes me happy. I love the way it sounds. My favorite bands use the accordion: They Might Be Giants, Oingo Boingo, the Decemberists (and yes, "Weird Al" Yankovic). I guess some would say my obsession with TMBG prompted the accordion lessons, but I would argue that my love of the accordion prompted my obsession with TMBG.

I have never played an instrument. I took piano lessons when I was seven, sitting dutifully on that hard bench with my ancient piano teacher, Mrs. Little. Mrs. Little must have been 115 years old (though in reality she was probably about 60; everyone over 15 is "old" to a seven-year-old) and warbled when she kept time: "Onnneeeeee twoooooo threeeeee..."

Mrs. Little had no patience, which is an awesome trait for a music teacher. When she would get particularly frustrated with me, she would take my small hand and pound it on the keys, screeching, "NO! NO! NO!" And I, more humilated than hurt, would cry. If the sobbing would take place near the end of my lesson, Mrs. Little would bribe me with candy to shut up before my parents picked me up. The candy was circa 1953 "root beer barrels" kept in a sticky candy dish on her coffee table. I'm pretty sure I'm the only one that ever ate those things. I never told my parents about this until I was much older; I think I felt sorry for her.

I don't remember how long I took piano lessons, but do remember I just wouldn't practice. I would get by in my lessons, playing by ear, but Mom got peeved about spending good, sparse money just to fight with me over practicing. After my defection, Mrs. Little called occasionally, warbling her request to have me come back. And for years after that, whenever we'd see someone playing piano on TV or if one of my friends would play our usually silent upright, Mom would shake her head regrettably and say, "See, Keri? If only you would have practiced..."

And now, thirty years later, I realize she was right. Because if I had practiced piano, the accordion would be a helluva lot easier to learn. When I first called the accordion teacher he asked me, "What instruments do you play?" "None!" I said. "Never...?" he asked, incredulous, "How did you escape piano lessons?" I told him about Mrs. Little. "Huh. So... Do you read music?" "Nope!" I could hear him rolling his eyes through the phone. He knew he had his work cut out for him.

I was so excited for my first lesson. We started from square one. How to take it out of the case. How to put it on. Right hand goes here. Left there. That little button releases the air. These are called bellows. These are bass keys. That little rhinestone? Middle "C." Staff, G clef, treble clef, four count. Here's your music and assignment; you can borrow the accordion.

It's difficult. I mean, really difficult. Trying to get my left hand to do one thing while my right hand does another and reading music at the same time? Insane. But I keep at it. I practice at least 30 minutes a day, five days a week. Sometimes more. I think my teacher knows I'm serious about learning; I'm honest and earnest. I tell him when I haven't practiced. We spar. He tells me my playing sounds like I'm "leaving a trail of dead bodies," I tell him he's a freaking showoff.

I love it. This time I'm learning for me, and when it clicks and I play a piece straight through without mistakes, it's the most amazing feeling ever. I got my very own accordion from eBay; it's beautiful. There are many accordions like it, but this one is mine.

Bring on your accordion jokes (yes, I've seen the Far Side and the bumper sticker that instructs me to go to jail). I don't care. It's my instrument. It makes me happy. And I'm doing something I've always wanted to do.

Doesn't get much better than that.

Amateur accordionist

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Darth poses

nobody@vox.com(clamhead) — Sat, 28 Jun 2008 20:40:48 -0700

Revisiting the comic.

Darth myspace

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Oh, Weezer... You and your clever videos.

nobody@vox.com(clamhead) — Fri, 23 May 2008 09:44:19 -0700

Love this. LOVE THIS.

Pork and Beans

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Yum!

nobody@vox.com(clamhead) — Mon, 05 May 2008 19:19:32 -0700

A light snack before our late dinner.

photo.jpg

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Don't piss me off, Disneyland.

nobody@vox.com(clamhead) — Fri, 02 May 2008 14:26:45 -0700

My birthday is on Tuesday. Paul asked what I wanted, and I said, "DISNEYLAND!" So that poor, Disney-indifferent soul had arranged for a one-day, turnaround trip for Tuesday.

Well, then it turns out he's going to be in Southern California on Monday, and it seems silly to take a flight back that evening only to get up at the crack of dawn to haul my Mickey ass to Disneyland, so we decided to stay over Monday night, with me flying out after work and meeting him there.

Because I have an Annual Pass, I get discounts. I called the hotel and got a room at the Disneyland Hotel for $100 less than it would normally cost. AWESOME. One catch - I have to present my pass at check-in. I don't have my pass. It was stolen. I had planned on taking a flight from San Jose that gets me into Orange County at 8:45. Guest Services closes at 8:00. No problem, thought I, I'll just take the earlier flight and get there in time to get the pass. I gave the very nice and helpful reservation agent my Visa card, and made the nonrefundable reservation. The next earlier flight is at 4:45. DAMMIT. Too early. What happened to the 6:30 flight?!?

I tried calling the Annual Passholder hotline to talk to a real-live human to explain my plight. Surely, Disney being a customer service-type company will help me out, right? The hotline turned out to be a voicemail. Nothing more. Oh, but they promise to get back to you within 48 hours. WTF? How is that acceptable customer service?

Okay, fine. I get the general Disneyland phone number for human beings (thank you, MousePlanet) and get somebody. "Hi!" I said in my nicest voice. "I have a problem." I was explaining the situation regarding my stolen pass and my hotel reservation and she cut me off. "OKAY," she said, "You need to go to Guest Services and get a replacement pass." "No, I know that," I said, "but I'm not sure I can get there in time." "Well, that's the only thing you can do," she said. I paused, waiting a beat. Seriously? That was all the help she was going to offer? Not put me through to someone else who could help me? Get creative? Anything?

"Um... okay," I said, "Well, is it possible I could have the pass sent to the hotel?" "No." Again, nothing. No explanation. Whenever someone tells me just "No," I always respond, "Why not?" So I did. "Because we need to verify your photo and you need to pay the replacement fee." Fair enough. "Okay, what if I called Guest Services, gave them my barcode number and faxed my ID? They could send the card to the hotel, where I would verify with my ID and pay the money there."

"No," she said, impatient.

Beat. Beat. Beat.

"Why not?"

"Because. Because it's not - er, because it's not our policy."

Beat. Beat.

"Okay, so, you're just not going to help me with this at all, because it's not your policy?"

"Yes."

CLICK.

I hung up on her. I was so mad at that point I couldn't bring myself to be even a little civil. There was no helpfulness in her voice, no sympathy, no inkling that she even remotely wanted to help me. Even a, "Wow, I'm sorry you had your pass stolen. Gee, I'm not sure if there's anything we can do," would have gone a long way. I couldn't continue the conversation any further or even say "thank you" before I hung up on her.

I know Disneyland "cast members" hate Annual Passholders. I get it. But maybe there's a reason why we sometimes act the way we do.

Disneyland: You're on notice.

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Life cloud

nobody@vox.com(clamhead) — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 09:08:12 -0700

I took a look at my TweetStats, and found my Twitter usage has exploded (much like everyone else's). What I found particularly interesting is my Tweet Cloud; it's more like my Life Cloud.

Take a look:

Lifecloud

Some of the words in the cloud coincidentally make small phrases. Here are a few of my favorites:

"bring burrito"
"champagne check" (If read as, "Champagne? Check!")
"cool crap"
"did disneyland"
"finally finished"
"free friday fun"
"happy hate head" (I'm going to register that domain)
"home hooray!"
"jim juice"
"live long"
"omg oof"
"party paul"
"playing pretty"
"tmbg today"
"totally trying twitter"
"wine wish"
"www yay!"
"yes yoga"

Your turn!

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Dinner!

nobody@vox.com(clamhead) — Sat, 12 Apr 2008 18:53:29 -0700

Perfect to soak up all that wine we've been drinking today.

photo.jpg

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Oh. My. God.

nobody@vox.com(clamhead) — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 12:41:02 -0700

I remember these days. I remember this tour.
Just...
Um..

*drool.*

They Might Be Giants - Your Racist Friend LIVE 1990

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